Jonathan clears his throat and begins
"Well good evening, we've got a treat for you tonight in this metaphysical bout! Your about to see Love vs. The Id and it promises to be a real humdinger. Joining me in the commentary box is Mark"
"Hello," says Mark.
"Previous form suggests this should be an easy victory for Love, who's sheer size and experience should see it through but, some critics say The Id, who has been a-her a-her rampaging recently could surprise us all. Mark?"
Mark glares at Jonathan with barley veiled contempt and begins to speak:
"Well Jonathan, I think it's definitely going to be a lot closer than some people have predicted. The Id's a feisty little creature, especially with no Superego tonight to keep it in check, and Love is looking a little long in the tooth..."
In the stadium a sizable crowd has gathered. In one corner of the pitch sits a grotesque parody of human being - 4 feet tall, grey and slimy, grinning and eyes darting about, to and fro. In the other a giant amorphous pink cloud is settling down.
A whistle blows.
The Id rushes forward and leaps upon Love. We see the glint of a tiny pecker and the creature begins to rapidly hump the cloud.
"skkrrrreeeeeeee, skrrrreeeeeeee"
it is heard yelling. After a few seconds it jumps off of Love.
Panting, the Id watches with vague curiosity as floaty pink Love swells slightly and births a number of ,what appear to be, slightly smaller pink Ids.
The Id turns to run but the new born pink Ids are almost upon it.
Teeth gleeming, they begin humping and biting into the Id and each other, desperately screaming until there is only a grey-pink gooey mess left on the floor
Up in the commentary box Jonathan says, "Back to the studio, Gary?"
Gary looks to the camera and grimaces,
"Well I have to say that really wasn't the best metaphorical battle we've seen... Alan?"
The Alan sitting furthest right responds,
"Ohhh" he says, "It was terrible from both sides. Where was the characterisation? There's three thousand years of written and oral tradition to draw upon for love and it comes out as pink fluffy cloud? Awful, just awful."
The camera pans back to Gary who is leaning across with a serious look on his tanned face.
"and The Id?"
Alan rolls his eyes,
"The Id. The Id came out as Gollum today! I wouldn't be surprised if Freud's turning in his grave! I mean the subect's hackneyed and cliched enough as it is without the addition of the poor display seen today."
Gary then directs the conversation to the other Alan who is sitting in the middle of the studio, his legs thrust as wide apart as his shiny trousers will allow him.
"What about the climax, Alan? It all felt a bit rushed to me"
"Well Gary, rushed is the right word. Seeing the little fellas come out like that, it was far too quick a wrap up in my opinion. And Freud would not be happy with any of it."
"So not enough development for you then, Alan?"
"Not at all."
Alan, sitting on the far side of the room, interjects.
"The end was a very, very poor allegory for jealous love as well"
Gary gestures to the other Alan to confirms this.
"Definitely," the other says nodding his head.
The camera pans to Gary who has slumped on his chair, all the life taken from him as the piece begins to collapse under it's own lack of relevance.
"Good night" he mumbles as the scene fades to black.
