Johannes vs The Supermarket

    When I met Johannes in the park he seemed a little gloomy. It was a bright rain-had-finally-gone technicolour kind of day, which I assumed would lift his spirits but sadly this appeared not be so. I asked him what was up.

“I went to the supermarket yesterday.”

Great story, I told Johannes and he grunted at me. We walked past a young couple lying on a blanket who were busy trying to paw at each other in a surreptitious manner and failing at deception miserably.

Eventually, Johannes continued.

“Well, I was walking down the aisles of a supermarket and it struck me how uniform everything was. Aisles of the same item, in giant corrugated metal huts. This was reality. As real as real got. Can't get more real than a supermarket. But it was all boring and pointless. Reality was boring and pointless.

“I took a can of Heinz beans and paid for it at the self scan and left. Then I just stared at this can for a while and it struck me that this was so mundane that it could be the key - the key to it all.”

I puzzled as to what the hell he meant as we walked past a mother pushing her giggling jamsmeared child through the park.

Johannes then continued, “So I thought, 'screw it!' - walked back into the shop and did a loop. I took the same can of beans out of my pocket and bought it again. Why not? Why not, aye?”

I told him that I guessed he could do that, but why would he want to?

“Because I could!” he almost shouted, eyed wide in disbelief, “because I could!

“I carried on; I did another loop and bought the tin for the third time, then a fourth! I don't know what I expected to happen but for someone to at least notice. I kept on expecting, the fifth or sixth or ninth or tenth time that someone would stop me, that they'd realise that I'd bought this can from them over and over again.

“After a while, I just couldn't stop. It was like the loop was running me. Leave the store, go in, walk to the aisle, pull the beans out of my pocket and buy them again. Leave the store, go in, walk to the aisle, pull the beans out of my pocket, buy them again...

“I spent hours looping through that supermarket buying this one tin. I kept all of the receipts. I went through 153 times and then finally the shop just shut.”

Not for the first time, I felt concerned for Johannes and lightly put my arm on his back. I looked across at an old man scattering seeds, surrounded by a bunch of pigeons who were variously pecking and taking flight. I asked Johannes why he did it so many times. He shut his eyes and looked genuinely pained.

“Well,” he said, sighing through his nose, “I thought it might break reality... it's such a ridiculous system that I thought that it would maybe, I don't know, point out the arbitrariness of it all and it'd stop and,” he let out another sigh, “break reality.”

The reality of Supermarkets? I asked him.

“Yes but... I was secretly hoping that everything might just stop and we'd get to the next level. Leave this crappy bit behind as I'd finally seen through the cracks and blown them apart. Someone would draw up the curtain, tell me well done and show how me how things really are.

“But I'm still here and I've spent £114.75 on one tin of beans.”

I didn't quite know what to say. So I ventured a 'maybe next time.'

“Yeah, maybe,” he said and carried on walking.

The Great Soloni

Gregor was famed throughout the land for being a wise man, a thoughtful man and, above all else, a scholar. Kings, astronomers and merchants of all types came seeking form him advice; to see if he could impart any of the arcane wisdom he possessed. He was reputed to have the greatest library in the kingdom and when asked from where he attained his wisdom, he would reply, “I always study, I always learn,” and then he would smile. 

 

One day, Gregor was strolling abroad through a forest where he came upon a clearing in a copse containing a great lake. Weary, he took off his shoes and socks and placed his feet in the cool water. He skimmed a stone, listening to the birds chirping in the sky and felt contented with the world.

Just then, a figure rose from the water of the lake. It was a giant carp like creature with billowing wings of red and gold where its fins should be. Gregor looked upon this apparition and saw it to be both beautiful and terrible in equal measure.

“Greetings, traveller,” said the monstrous carp. “I am Soloni of the Djinn and I come to grant you three wishes.” His voice was at once melodious and booming and the trees shook as he spoke these words.

Now, Gregor, being a learned man, knew well of the djinn. He knew that these spirits were tricksters and what's more the gifts they granted to mortals always came with a deadly catch. Many a man was reputed to have wished for riches only for these diamonds and gold to become the very root of his downfall. 

 

Gregor thought for a second and looked into the spirits polyp eyes. “Oh mighty djinn,” said Gregor, in a voice as measured as he could manage, “I am humbled by your offer but I have no need for any favours. I merely seek the knowledge of the ancients and to this end I have accrued a library greater than any man could read in his lifetime. I am content and ask you for nothing.

“However, maybe I could offer you something.” Gregor reached into his travel sack and produced three tomes, gilt edged and well thumbed.

“Oh Soloni, from these scripts I have gained more wisdom, more knowledge and more succour than all others. I beg of thee to take them and enjoy them as I have.”

Gregor stood waiting expectantly for Solani's response.

“Traveller,” the spirit cooed, soft as a lamb's wool, “I think you misunderstand me – we djinn live to grant what your heart desires, so I, great Soloni, cannot take your gift.”

Gregor, realising his life stood in the balance, thought again, and used the craft and guile his learning had bestowed upon him.

“Very well, djinn,” he said. “My wish is that you take these volumes and imbibe the peace, wisdom and happiness contained within.”

He then took the books and threw them one by one over the water to the great fish.

Solani leapt to take each one and gobbled them in turn. Gregor smiled, and, turning from the djinn, felt pleased by his day's work...

However a djinn is not bound by the liquid that surrounds it and it will always get the terror it wishes to reap. And so presently, the water began to boil and violently the trees began to shake. Gregor turned and saw multitudes of teeth gleaming out from the carp's mouth and his three tomes on it's deep blue tongue.

“MORTAL,” awesome Soloni boomed, “these books are yours and you shall be returned to them!” And with that Soloni flew from the lake, opening his giant jaws to swallow Greg whole. A giant GULP made the earth rumble.

Smiling, Soloni returned to the lake, receding silently into it's cool, dark waters.