You don’t know how they managed to do it but they’ve contacted God. Well kind of contacted God, they’ve got one opportunity to ask Him a question and send it off into space. Well kind of into space, they told you it’s more complicated than that. Something to do with metaphysics and black holes. You’re sure they mentioned the word halo somewhere but in what context you have no idea.
Anyway they held a big lottery throughout the world to see who would get to ask the question and you won. What are the chances? You look it up. It’s close to 7 billion to one. And you who’s never won anything in your life.
The papers and the TV are going mad with the news. Your picture’s everywhere. The Pope and The President have asked for an audience with you, OK Magazine wants to take pictures at your birthday party. They tell you are allowed to keep your own council. You think it’s best that you do – there’s too many different sources shouting at you and telling you what to ask.
You lock yourself in your room for a week to think. The only person you see is your mother, who brings you your food. There is a lot of rice pudding that week.
You consider the “classics” posed by philosophy.
What is the meaning of life?
You consider it. You consider it for a long while but reject it. It’s a category error you realise. You might as well ask God “what is the meaning of cheese”.
Is there an afterlife?
Well of course there is, it’s called death. Maybe if you phrased the question
Is there a heaven and a hell?
That seems better. But you suspect the answer might be “kind of” and also what if the answer is no? Would people’s morals suddenly disappear without the eternal police force to keep them in check? What if God didn’t want us to know – that the not knowing was an essential part of life – and you somehow offended him.
Best not.
But how about…
Does reincarnation occur?
But…but…but… what if it’s true. What if it’s true and you find out that everything’s a reincartion of everything else forever? That your both a concentration camp guard and victim. The carrot and the rabbit. No, too much.
Then other questions jump up. Which religion is right? Will you go to hell for worshiping the wrong one? Are we alone in the universe? Does the wafer really turn into Christ?
You think of a million questions and a million reasons not to ask them.
Then it strikes you. Of Course, why don’t you say something to Him!
But what?
We love you?
He knows that surely?
Greetings from planet earth?
Hmmm maybe there is a middle ground between the two.
By the end of the week you have come to you conclusion.
There is a huge crowd gathered to hear you announce what the message will be. Almost ten million the papers say. And the billions watching on TV. Well here goes nothing. You have decided to keep your speech as brief as possible. The President ushers you to the microphone. The Pope, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Dalai Llama and several other figures you don’t recognise are seated behind you. You clear your throat.
“Ladies and gentleman,” you say. “The question that shall be asked to God is as follows:”
You pause. Finally you say,
“HOW’S IT GOING?”
The President slaps his head. You hear the crowd sigh in disbelief as one. The religious leaders look angry. Then the booing starts.
You blew it.
