Even the nerds have facial tattoos today.
Especially the nerds, I should say.
It’s an easy signifier. “Hey,” it shouts on behalf of the nerd, “Hey! Look at me – I’m not a nerd – Look at me! Would a nerd have a facial tattoo?”
It’s a nice closed loop which we can consider thusly:
The Nerd’s Facial Tattoo Theorem
Axiom 1: Nerds don’t have facial tattoos.
Axiom 1 (restated): Facial tattoos are never on nerd.
Statement: Look at my sick ink.
∴ I cannot be a nerd.
Q.E.D.
Corollary: If anything, I’m edgy.
I remember being a younger man, often hearing other people’s tattoos being commented upon (by those without them, naturally) with a tut and a cluck,
“They’ll regret those when they’re older.”
This is not true and was never true. What the betatooed will regret is not a tattoo existing upon their bodies - upon their faces - when they are old but the very fact that they are now old. The tattoo should be the preserve of the young! Those whose bodies are bedecked by artwork – a stylish spiderweb, a mermaid or a labubu perhaps - would trade all the supposed dignity of not-having-a-tattoo for the thrill of being young and supple and stupid. The fact that a crinkled, old tattoo looks shit is the purely fault of the body it is on and not the tattoo itself.
Me, myself, I intend to stay young.
Therefore, I will never get a tattoo.
How does this follow? Well, whilst the nerds’ initial premise was faulty, my mathematics is impeccable.
Let me explain:
Once upon a time, it may have been true that a nerd would not have felt the needle -something which I myself doubt – but, today, tattoos have reached critical mass. Right now, at this very moment, everyone has got one. They have all tried to co-opt the tattoos inherent hipness, their innate cool.
Look, they say. This is me! This is me! I am young, I am unique and glowing and a canvas for someone else’s art! I will endure the pain and admire myself in the mirror every day until it becomes something that is merely on me, part of my body’s architecture, and I forget it’s there. Then I might get another one. This is me! I will proclaim. And all my friends have one!
So, a whole generation of people, slowly, ever so slowly, ends up tattooed in some-way, small to big, torso to neck. It might take a few years for them to get there but get there they will; just look at Lionel Messi, a clean-cut superstar for years until he was beguiled by the ink…
And the generation below them? Will they express themselves this way? Not so much.
And why? Well, as we observed, even the nerds have facial tattoos these days. What reeked of rebellion to one generation reeks of conformity to the next. Tattoos become what mullets and hairspray, flares and denim, were to us, way-back-when, in our younger, non-tattooed days. Tattoos will become 1 word: uncool.
I predict, nay I know, that the next generation will have no tattoos. And me, I will be with them. I will not have a tattoo to regret. I will not have something that places me amongst the haggard and wizened. People will look upon me, looking for signifiers, triggers to tell them, consciously or not, where I sit in the life cycle of a man, and they will not find what they are looking for. No.
My Tattoo Theorem
Axiom 1: Every old person has a tattoo.
Axiom 1 (restated): Only young people don’t have tattoos.
Statement: Look at my lack of ink.
∴ I cannot be old.
Corollary: If anything, I’m young.
And, am I saying that this – my lack of tattoos, my non-tatooedness - will make me immortal? No, I am not that naïve. But it’s certainly part of the plan.